Don't be lazy in your relationship.
it is a concern, but it turns into a reproach.
I never understood why we did this.
until I saw a word in psychology called "alexithymia".
means that some people cannot accurately identify their emotions.
so you will be angry with worry, anxiety, tension, and sadness.
it's like growing up, every time I get sick, my parents will find a reason to scold me:
"Let you wear more and you don't listen, now you know it's uncomfortable?"
"I told you not to eat anything. It's not a worry at all."
and as a result, I won't talk to them about anything I don't feel well about in the future.
recall that some time ago, my salary was not high, but my workload was very heavy.
my boyfriend felt unworthy of me and asked me to take the initiative to ask for a raise, but I dared not.
he, who has always had no temper, began to say disgruntled:
"Why don't you just mention it? don't you deserve a low salary?"
of course, I know that they are all people who care about me, and they can also hear the "nervousness" and "heartache" in these words.
it's just my reason at the moment, and it can't offset my confusion and loss at that time.
in those fragile moments, in front of the people closest to me, I will still be stabbed by "angry words".
this "stab wound" doesn't mean that I suspect they don't care enough about me.
on the contrary, it is precise because we are all so clear about each other's intentions that
it is even sadder when we even say "I'm worried about you".
such a line often appears in movies and TV shows: "he said those angry words because he cared about you, too."
at first glance, it sounds quite tender.
but if you think about it, you will find that this sentence is too unfair to the person who is "angry".
he is cared for and loved, but he has to bear the inexplicable negative emotions of the other party.
so I thought, why don't we try to learn to say whatever we feel?
speak angrily when you are angry, and say something that cares about people when you care.
instead of taking complaining as care and anger as love.
remembering that we went swimming with Pepe, we lay down on the shore of the pool and talked about our parents' affairs.
while chatting, I found that they both have a similar mother who likes to send us red dates and wolfberry.
she asked me, "have you eaten everything?"
I smiled guiltily and said, "how can I finish eating? I told my mother not to send it and she wouldn't listen, and finally, she threw it all away."
"Does your mother know you threw it away?"
"I didn't tell her because I thought I could avoid a lot of trouble by pretending to finish eating."
after saying this sentence, I found that many people's concern is a kind of lazy concerns.
just as my parents are used to expressing their worries about me by scolding me, I am also used to cheating on them to reassure them.
in essence, everyone is trying to maintain a relationship in the most labor-saving way.
but forget whether this method is useful or not.
think of the plot in the Korean drama "this is the first time":
Girls feel that their underwear is very bound and sometimes go out without wearing a bra.
my boyfriend feels unacceptable when he knows about it.
prom dresses with pockets is all you need to bring out your beauty and inspire charm. Take advantage of the unique combination of comfort and simplicity.
but he didn't say anything or criticize his girlfriend. Instead, a few days later, he brought in a large bag of underwear and said:
"I've bought almost all the best-selling underwear on the market, and I should be able to find one that makes you comfortable."
this detail makes me very moved because he is helping the other party solve the question. Question.
it's like when it's cold, we can bring each other a coat;
but we often only put down the sentence: "you wear more, but you don't listen."
the former is helping each other solve problems, while the latter is just solving their anxiety that they "have to do something for the people they care about".
so it's never easy to like someone.
No matter how much "Jerry-building" concerns, it is better to consider what the other person needs from the other person's point of view.
the last thing I want to say is that although we live in an implicit cultural context, we are accustomed to the expression of "eighteen bends in the mountain road".
but maybe we can still make a little change.
starting next time, when you're worried about someone, don't blame them: "Why don't you take care of yourself?"
just say, "I'm worried about you."